June 21st 2021
It doesn't matter what we do. We could hide, we could run, we could disappear. But we just can't avoid. No matter what we do at this time of year it always pulls us back. It always pulls us back to a time when we were losing our girl. The thoughts, the feelings, the heartache, are all there like it's happening all over again. Different, but the same. It's the trauma of the event. Her death. We don't want it to be different. It was such a traumatic moment in our lives. We don't want to erase anything about it. We lived it. We honour it. We honour her by not forgetting. By not trying to erase it.
Five years on we are different, but the same. The human response to life, to death.
Grief is always moving, always changing, always there.
We wear it well. We own it. We honour it.
As we will for the rest of our days.
Our beautiful girl in life and in death.
There was a shift this past year. An acceptance. It has taken a lot of work to get here. I’ve had to let go of a lot of anger. I was angry that Emma was gone. Still am if I’m honest. But the anger doesn’t resolve anything. It just makes things harder for me.
I am not happy that Emma is gone and there are still moments where I can’t believe she is gone. I feel more at home with my grief. I know it will be here forever and will change constantly and I accept that. I have no choice.
It’s amazing what a human can do when they have no choice.